Below are the 3 most recent journal entries recorded in the_naiad_muse's LiveJournal:

Monday, March 20th, 2006
5:52 pm	It is very ahrs for me to ask for something if I know that it might cause some discomfort in others around me. This usually ends up with me never really gettign across what I want or need so that I can cator to the comfort and happiness of others. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Not even alone, but just doing my own thing around other people doing there own thing (I love being in a room where everyone is enraptured in their own devices). Despite the muse I like to attach to my persona, it is not my job to constantly be other people's source of amusement- or I feel liek people need me to keep verifying their existence every few minutes... For whatever reason this is a role that seems to be placed on me often. ..... Why do people assume that when you ask to be alone that it must because they (when it has nothign to do with them!) have doen something wrong- or that their company is not wanted. Well despite this, I asked to just have some time to do my thing on my own for a bit and of course it spun into something which had nothing to do with situation. Now I am upset and I feel trapped. I have my time now, but getting to it took so much unnecisary pain and effort that this time can not really be enjoyed. I have done some stretching and weight-lifting and tied some lose ends involving the upcoming move. I got to lie down and have some time with just me and my thoughts (which was a hard considering what happened) for a bit. Now I want to make some phone calls and see what my various plans will be this evening. It just boggles me that all this other slosh had to be pushed through just to have these things without feeling like I was doing something wrong. And they still haven't realized it's not about them. I'm getting sick of this. I don't like feeling trapped and being unable to do what I want- what I need to do. And the funny thing is the peopel who tend to feel this way are the ones who love you the most... Y'know there are somethings I just don't understand *sigh* Current Mood: fucked up Current Music: banging and screaming at the door (Comment on this)
Monday, March 6th, 2006
12:37 am	A Conversation Had Tonight... like tears in rain: she deserves somebody better. someone more normal. The Naiad Muse says: don't just think of it as you not being 'right' for her.. she's obviously not 'right' enough for you either... you knwo what: dont use the words 'good' or 'better' it'll only make you think less of yourself. its not a matter of being good or bad, its a matter of the right fit. like tears in rain says: true, but i can't understand why somebody would be interested in me right now The Naiad Muse says: why? becasue of where you are mentally trying to figure yourself out, or just in general? like tears in rain says: in general The Naiad Muse says: heh then you won't have good luck finding anyone if thats how you see yourself. beleive me even if you HAVE someone, when you get into that frame of mind it makes things so hard (trust me I speak from past and PRESENT experience with this bullshit). I can't tell you how to stop that train fo thought(or else I'd be doing it myself right now) but I can tell you that if you try -eventually- things will start to click and you will come arouund to a better view of yourself. like tears in rain says: sounds about right, i also think i also don't have the time to do it, i have too much to do, there are more important things that i must focus on right now thats at the top of the pile actually The Naiad Muse says: yeah I hear you ont hat one. And you -do- have to sort things out bit by bit, cuz if you do it all at once, youre gonna fail at all of them and waste more energy doing it. It is just hard to sometiems figure out which ones need to be sorted first to make the other ones easier when you get to them. like tears in rain says: fuck, why is life so complicated The Naiad Muse says: heh the greatest philosophers have been debating that for years! Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: Persistence of Memory (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 14th, 2006
4:12 am	Ever since I was a child, late nights were the peak time for my true thoughts to form. My mind wanders from the most esoteric of questions to the most banal doubts to my wildest hopes and fears. When I was younger these thoughts would pertain to philosophy, quantum theory, the wolrd around and my part in it- though at the time I had no idea what these 'topics' were. All I knew is I rarely came to answer these questions in my mind- in fact I usually was left with more questions- and that most children of eight were not up until 3am contemplating such things. I find my mind is often at it truest state at these times- it just flows and I feel that I am both actively riding this flow, as well as observing it from another place. I also find it hard to lie to myself at these times. Tonight I was awake trying to distract myself from these thoughts... why? Because as I have grown older they often pertain to my troubles, doubts and judgments placed upon myself. I am not financially stable and am even in some debt. I fear a future of debt, bankruptcy and broken dreams- not unlike the home I grew up in. I do not think I'll ever be able to attend post secondary education and that I will be stuck in shit-ass jobs I'm over qualified for just so that I can grab a pay check and put a roof over my head and food on my plate and place my dreams and aspirations aside so that I can 'survive.' And I fear that such a banal life would not be even able to provide my future children with the chances to do better and strive for their own desires. I feel like I am already a lost cause- a broken dream at 22 years of age. I know I am attractive but I feel I have everyone under some spell- my beauty is a farce, I have you all fooled! I have always battled with my weight and in the past two years I have slowly been gaining more. I have been ridden with acne since the age of eight (though puberty was not kind enough to give me breasts until the start of high school) and now at the age of twenty-two my face is still covered in zits and tiny scars from the past 14 years. I wonder if I'll ever be beautiful? I wonder if I'll ever be able to reach the weight I was two years ago and have a clear complexion- I'll be happy with that for now! Vain, yes it might be... but this journal is about honesty... whether I like to admit it or not, I care about these things. To think those few years ago I was still unhappy with my appearance... now I'd wish just to have it back again. Will I end up just like everyone else? An over-weight, over-worked, under-appreciated, in-debt, un-happy suburban mother working a typical job and joining the rest of the hive in a complacent, boring, un-interesting, easily-forgotten "life." I am so scared. And I'm losing hope. Current Mood: pessimistic Current Music: the cat purring on my lap (2 Comments |Comment on this)